Posted by : Diane Ladd in (Coaching, Stress, teens)
The Teen Whisperer
Tagged Under : add family, ADHD, ADHD Coaching, parenting ADHD
Parents are usually the first contact I have with my teen/adolescent clients. It’s interesting. The number one question I get from parents is:
How do you get him to do things?
They are usually a bit surprised when I say, “I don’t.”
The parent has been telling, asking, persuading, and maybe threatening for years. They have tried it all. They know their child/young adult better than most people on this earth and yet they want me to give them this secret; this holy grail of parenting. How do I get them to do things?
Well, if I were the Teen Whisperer , like Cesar is the “dog whisperer,” I could pay the family a visit and observe the teen’s behavior in their natural environment, while coaching the parent on the steps to establishing herself as “pack leader.” Although techniques from this National Geographic show may be helpful, Cesar’s advice doesn’t always translate to parenting humans. So what can you do?
Ask your teen, “What do you want?”
The answer to this question will be very revealing. Do they want to be left alone? OK, then ask, “What will make me leave you alone?” They know the answer!
Make a clear and concrete deal.
“This is terrific, now we’re getting somewhere. You want to be left alone. If you make your bed and pick up your room, I will leave you alone to go on Facebook for 30 minutes.”
Ask; don’t tell.
When your child is young, your parenting style is more directive. As he becomes a teen, a shift to “coach” can be more effective.
Parent: “It’s time to do your homework. Sit at your desk and open your history book.”
Coach: “What is your plan for tonight’s homework?” (I don’t know is not an answer!) “I’d like to hear your plan,” or “How’s your history project coming along?” (OK is not an answer!) “Show me what you have so far.”
Being involved and interested without judgement can be more effective.
Know what your teen values.
We know that at this present time, it is not grades! This will come later, after he sees the benefit of A’s and B’s.
Does she value phone time, video games or Facebook? Does he live for the weekends? Attach the boring, tedious to-do things to activities that generate excitement. In other words, “After you study for your bio exam Saturday, you can take the car and meet Gina at the mall,” or “When you’re finished with the art project, your phone will be returned to you.”
Yes, these are rewards. Reality is, rewards are given to our kids all day every day. Think about this: We don’t get paid unless we show up to work.
When your teen and I coach together, she learns about how her brain works best. She develops strategies that will help her now and throughout her life.
